ANSWERING THE "WHAT?" QUESTION

"Desire is the engine of creation." --Danielle LaPorte

From the Etsy Shop Decorpro

It's no secret that I've been working on personal growth/change/self-help for as long as I've been alive. My modus operandi is always that I can be better. (I recognize that this belief is somewhat problematic, but let's go with it for now.)

Regardless of the subject matter or life area I'm working on--money, love, career, health--a fundamental question always trips me up.

What is it that I want?

Years ago I couldn't have formed any thoughts in response to this question other than tears. I am not exaggerating. I would sob hysterically if I was asked to think about that question.

I'm a bit less hyperbolic and know myself a bit better now, but the question is still irksome. Even thinking about close relatives of this question causes the screen in my brain to go blank.

How do I want to feel?

What are my big dreams?

What do I want my legacy to be?

The first answers I come up with are "I don't know," and I don't, really. The second level of answers I come up with are negatives:

I'd like to NOT feel chronic pain. I'd like to NOT feel depressed.

I have no big dreams. I have a few small ones that aren't really dreams. At least I don't think they are.

I got nothing on the legacy question other than I'd like people to think I didn't waste all my years on this planet, but what I want to spend doing in them or what "waste" means is unclear to me.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about these kinds of questions in many variations. Nearly every kind of personal psychology/change comes down to knowing what you're feeling/working/loving/living/being for. 

A related question I have trouble with is: what makes you happy? 

First, I don't think I experience happiness. (Really, I'm not fucking with you, I promise.) However, if I catalog a bunch of related emotions under the category of happiness--like "not annoyed" and "mostly content"--the answers to the question do not leap to the page.

So, one of my core issues is that it's difficult for me to accomplish anything other than stuff that needs to be done for work or life in the short term because I really don't have a clear purpose.