It's bra shopping time again.

I may as well pick them off a fence at random.
If you're anything like me, it's bra shopping time twice a year, except I shop for and never find/buy new bras. They are all terrible. The ones I have now are at least seven years old. I'm down to three ratty favorites and they won't last much longer. I absolutely have to find some new ones.

Here's the problem: bra designers clearly don't have boobs or wear bras or live working lives. Seriously, bras suck and I've met not a single human woman who finds bra shopping easy or fun. (If you find it easy or fun, go visit Victoria's Secret and quit reading my blog.)

Dear bra designers and manufacturers, here is what working women with big boobs need in a bra:
  1. A band needs at least four hooks or more--flat ones with smooth fabric under them. Any bra with fewer than four clasps is for people who don't need a bra. I prefer five and would love to find six. I can't tell you how many times I've been poked by shitty clasps or poor construction--damn those nylon threads. Smooth and clean and wide. The wide band is also necessary for those of us with back fat! Hello!

    Look at this mess. Yuck.
    And, the band needs to have hooks in the back. The no-hook or front hook bras ride up in the back.
  2. I have a long torso and I need straps that are long and adjustable.
  3. No lace or bows. Seriously, WTF! It's not 1980 and we're not Cabbage Patch Dolls. Bras can be elegant in design, but they don't need decorative elements, especially ones that are not smooth under the clothing. A bra is not a bikini; if you want a decorative article of instead of a support garment, buy an effing bikini. Besides, lace is itchy. (Do whatever the fuck you want with your lingerie; I ain't wearing it anyway.)

    I have nothing positive to say about this one. It's awful in every way.

  4. No seams across the nipple. Again, the people who design this shit mustn't wear it, because no one with nerve endings wants itchy seams crossing their nipples all day long. If I ever meet one of you fuckers who designs this crap, I just might punch you.
    Embroidery AND lace AND nipple seam AND bow.
  5. Smooth and strong straps. I don't need lace or padding on my straps. I just need them smooth and strong, and wide is better than narrow. No body likes it when their bra strap's elastic starts to stretch unevenly. And nobody wants an inch of padding showing under their t-shirt where their straps stick up.
  6. Firm side-boobs. Why is it that even a bra that seems fine in all of the above areas has a flimsy side-boob? Listen, if I've already got big boobs and I'm attempting to wear a bra to hold them together, letting them spill out on the sides is not helping.
  7. Push up in this case means push out. And look at those mini-straps.
  8. The fabric should also cover the boob! Notice in all the photos from online catalogs, their boobs are half sticking out, which defeats the purpose of wearing a bra.
  9. Nobody needs padding. Get over it. (If you're worried about what the boys will like, boys like any boobs they can touch, no matter the size.)
  10. I'm okay with colors, but please make black and white at least. You can never go wrong with a black bra, but you can go very wrong with coral or lime.
    She's pretty, but lime doesn't go with any single thing in my wardrobe. 

Also, don't tell me to measure. One, every single bra manufacturer varies in its sizing, two, every style of bra fits differently, and three, each boob is different in size and shape. Go shove your measuring tape up your ass.

This should go well. Wish me luck.

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